I can't tell you how much I miss this little girl and grieve for her. My water started leaking at 20 weeks and Grace was born at 22 weeks. She was too small for them to attempt to intervene--the risk of disability and a short life was too high for that age gestation. She was born July 19th and lived for about 15 minutes, we think. My poor, poor baby.
What hurts most, I think, is the loss of all that potential life. She was perfectly healthy, as far as we know, and would probably have been a healthy, happy child. Who grew into a healthy happy adult. It just seems so cosmically unfair. And, of course, it hurts that I had so little time with her, so little time to get to know her. Apollo and I held her for most of the day before giving her to the man from the funeral home. Less than a week later, we dressed her and put her in her coffin. The next morning, we said a final goodbye and buried her. Just writing about it, 6 weeks later, makes me cry. I wanted her so very badly. I wanted her in my life, I wanted to love her and protect her and watch her grow. I wanted to be friends. But all that was snatched away from us both--from us all--and we'll never know why my water started leaking, why her chance at life dripped away with the fluid.
Sometimes I wonder if there was anything I could've done differently, or whether something I did do, in ignorance, caused a problem, or if there was just some crazy coincidence of conditions that happened to be a recipe for disaster. So there is regret, sort-of, a conditional regret, I suppose. But not guilt. Because I didn't know. I know some things now that I wish I'd known then, and hindsight always helps. I could've been more careful after the spotting started. But I didn't know. It's horrible to think that ignorance could cause a disaster like this, take away an innocent life that barely got to live, but I know it happens. It's better than knowledge causing it--that would mean premeditation, responsibility, accountability. But it still hurts.
And yet, on the bright side, she never knew sorrow, she never knew suffering. So many children do. Instead, she's my little angel who gleamed for me momentarily in this life. I hope to live so that I can meet her again after this life, so that we can have all that we missed out on in this one. Especially hugs and kisses, giggles and more hugs.
I miss my baby girl. Oh how I miss her.
